Feeliing an explosion coming on? Cool me too.

I am sorry that its not good enough for me to be there for you every fucking time you need it. I am sorry I dont have a fucking car, or parents that will buy me one, or anyone to support me. I am sorry I fucking need so much, like someone to talk to or to at least try to understand what the fuck it is I have been going through my whole life. Im sorry I pay your gas, buy you cigarettes, and still, its never enough. Im sorry I cant show you everything you need to be shown, because you won't fucking let me.

And I am sorry to the whole fucking world that i whine too much about not been cared about. Maybe you shoudl take the fucking hint.

Drowning in truth. Facing facts. How does it alwasy end up liek this. Do I do too much? Say the wrong things? Cursed.

Everyone around me so happy, me so content, but always wishing for so much more. Where is it when you need it the most? Why cant I have what I need when I need it. Save me from my insanity. My lonliness.

I dont want to have sex anymore, its not what I need in my life right now. The scare of what this next week will bring. Over a month, where is my period? What will I do? No security, money, support.... everything breaks apart witht his one scary assumption. Even worse, what will he say? What will I do? All breakign apart. I was doing so well. So incredibly well. Not a care in the world. Now I am worried about so much.

Horrible timing. Always that other girl. I need to be somebody to someone. This is how it began with her. I got her him, and she. I need someone to get me him. The one to hold me hand, wipe my tears and make me smile. I need my fix on some TLC and it just doesnt seem to be coming in.  

This is me.

Shitty friend. Shitty daughter. Shity grand daughter. Selfish. Dead inside. Alone.

Sometimes its hard to face who you are. With no one to face it with you.

I am sorry I have let everyone down. I am sorry it was too much, or not enough... or whatever the hell it was. I wish i coudl be better. I am not asking for pity or for you to tell me that i have everything I think I don't. I just want you to listen. hear me out.

I worry that you hate me because I want so badly for you not to. I ask you all the time just because i want to make sure you dont. This relationship has gone on for so long, and has gone so good, that I am so scared of losing it. Look at my life. I am not making excuses, but seriously take a god damn look. I have had to struggle with nothing, for nothing. I dont think you know the fight I have had to make. I dont think I can make it clear ebough to you. My own god damn therapist wonders why I am not in a mental hospital.

Well its you that are the reason I am not there. What keeps me sane. Just the amounts of care alonr that you show keeps meholding on to what i think might be there later. Even if it isnt much, I still am in love with it being there, so once I feel maybe a little jerk of it going away, I break down inside. Its like getting what you love most taken away from you. Your friends, your car, your music, your privelidge to go out that night. Just taken away forever. Imagine your life without what you need or love most. Thats my life without you. BOTH of you.

I know I need to change some things. I know I am going under in your hearts. I want to swim back to the surface, but youve blocked out the light and I dont know which way it is. Just point me in the right direction. Tell me what i need to do. Please be open...honest.

Heres all I ask from you. Stop blocking it out. Stop lieing about how you feel. Stop talking about my problems because it only makes them worse. i am sorry being my friend is a burden, but not being my friend will only make everything worse. I miss you in my heart. I miss you in my mind. And I love you with all of both of these. Believe it or not, I lost it all to come back to you. A lot of that was more for me, but that just shows how much you mean. I want to be able to be honest with you, and you to be honsest with me. Love.

Please dont abandon me when I need you the most.

Seclusion. My only answer.

I am fucking tired of fighting tired of it all. tired tired tired. Fuck you and you. Fuck everythign you are everything you pretend to be and everything you think you mean to me. I dont care about you I dont care about anythign you have to say. I fucking HATE you.

All better. sorta.

Am I supposed to be happy? All I ever wanted comes with a price.

Die for me

Mistakes...

My apologies. I never can figure out what it is I am doing wrong, but there always seems to be something.

I would die for you, I would live for you, I breathe for you. Maybe its not that its not enough, its that it is too much. You cant handle me, and I cant handle you not needing me. Stuck in a rut. A hole. far deeper than 6 feet. I am always paranoid..."What are they saying?" "What have I done wrong?" Something must be wrong with me. Dont you fake it. They are always faking it. I am too real for any of you.

I will take you in my arms, and show you its going to be okay. I need to be in someones arms. I want to be in their arms. My Prive<3... Barbie. For some reason I feel so distant to them. They alwasy find something new. Something better. I want to be new and better. I want to be fresh and who they love.

Something New 

Dont go getting a boyfriend he says. If he only knew, he will be the one dropping me soon enough. So comfortable, snuggled in his arms, listening to his heart beat...the feeling of his breath on my neck, hands in my hair. I dont do this very often, shhhhhhh. What has happened before doesnt matter, its whats happening now.

Could he be more perfect? Could I be more foolish? It never lasts. It never means more. Lets pretend this night will never end. Lets pretend I can be everything you need. I never am.

Crossing fingers and wishing on stars doesnt seem to work anymore. Take back the beat in your heart.

Now that im strong I have figured out...

Pretty flawless loved appreciated selfless sensible conservative. I will never be.

I will never let you fall.

Its ok. Make this ok. Seasons are changing and waves are crashing and stars are falling. Im the only one who knows what it is to burn.

I can show you I can be the one. To kiss it all better. Dance til you laugh. Touch feel.

Please dont walk away. Please tell me youll stay.

Use me as you will, pull my strings just for a thrill.

Even if saving you sends me down...